Ladies and Gentlemen, as of today, I have achieved a miracle of science.

I know, it was only a matter of time.  You hammer at something long enough and, eventually, an effect must occur.

How did I do this, you may ask?  Simple, really.  Let’s start with the laws of SCIENCE (as I know them):

Precept number one: NOTHING is impossible… simply extremely improbable.

Precept number two: Solid surfaces only appear to be solid; they are in fact made up of tons and tons of teeny tiny particles which vibrate near each other because they really like to hang out.  The closer the particles, the more “solid” something appears to be.

Deduction: Logically… if you keep bashing your head against the same wall in the same

Great Scott!!!

spot over and over and over again, eventually it has to go straight through.  Well, eventually you’ll probably break the wall (or your head) and it’ll go through anyway, but I’m talking straight-up Kitty Pride through the wall.  Right through.

A miracle.

Today, I made more hours in the day.

After determining that no, what I had simply wasn’t cutting it.  That I couldn’t get ahead fast enough.  That I just didn’t have enough time to read, and research, and write, and go to the gym, and take a breather every now and again so that my eyes don’t melt out of their sockets, I realized what I had to do.

I had to defy the laws of nature.  I had to laugh in the face of astrophysics.  I had to accomplish what nobody else has accomplished before.  I had to overcome that which binds us to this earth and creates order in a world that is otherwise utter chaos.

I started small.  A half an hour.  That’s all I needed.  A half an hour.  Maybe someday it’ll be an hour, but I simply can’t see it ever being any more than that.  It takes a lot out of me to tamper with the temporal progression of the universe.

…And while I will concede that perhaps there is life before nine in the morning, there’s not enough coffee in the world to convince me to set my alarm back before 8AM.  Nope.  Not doing it.